I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
