he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
love makes seman taste better
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
