Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
