What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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