Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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