im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
