I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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