The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
