can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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