you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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