i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
