That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
