I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
