A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
of course. lets lasso hookers.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
