I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
