i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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