a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
