I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
