would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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