I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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