There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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