I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
