Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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