i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
