He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
