I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
