Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
