I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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