Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Terrible idea I love it
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
