so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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