I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize