Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
