you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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