Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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