dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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