I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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