Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
