Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
