I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
