I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
