I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
