Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
