i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
