I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
