My room smells like vodka and shame
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
