It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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