Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
