Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Dear god my vagina.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
