She's JV to your varsity
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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