life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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