thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
