At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
