i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
