Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
