Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
