I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize
