We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
So squirting runs in the family.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
