yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Michael Bay diarrhea
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
