it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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