i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
