A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
