I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
