not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
