well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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