you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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