Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
