So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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